I spy with my one eye :)

I began taking a walk with my little one this week in my neighborhood.  I have been intimidated by my limitations for so long that I stopped looking for things to do outside and alone. 

While walking the day before yesterday, I began to regret leaving my camera at home.  The neighborhood was beautiful.  Front yards were covered with the most amazing flowers and there were trees literally hugging the lights (I am going to take that picture today).  I am not sure what the name of the flowers are, but I couldn't help but take pictures yesterday.  The periwinkle blues reminded me of some fabric I am using right now for the Summer House freebie by Brooke Nolan. 

There were also a few homes decorated for Halloween.  So naturally, I am inspired and will be doing the same thing this week-end (3 days - woo hoo).

Here is the beginning of my Summer House.  There was a contest that I missed, but I love it and will be adding the names of some friends and their wedding date.  I plan on mounting it to a photo album for a Christmas gift.  Finishing isn't my strong point, so wish me luck.

Till next time.......

A Finish

Yeah me!  I have a finish.  I made the scarab from Teresa Wentzler's Egyptian Sampler into a floss tag.  Since I have lost my depth perception, judging size is a bit difficult.  I originally set out to make a tissue holder where the scarab was going to be the back design and edge the borders of the opening in hieroglyphics, HOWEVER, it turns out the scarab is a bit tiny. (he he he).  Its times like these that I have to laugh at myself (I ran out of water proof mascara so crying wasn't an option).  I need to take a better pic once I change the ring stud.  I don't like the flower for this particular subject matter.  But, the colors are wonderful and I plan on completing the sampler one day.

I have a huge list of projects that I am going to get done first.  They are all kitted up and ready for stitching.  I am praying that I have the discipline to work on only the projects I have supplied.  I have a few ornies for family and friends included in the pile. 

I have to take a break from Lovely You because I miscounted and have to frog half of my second bird.  I am devising a plan to only frog the few squares I am off.  I will be greatly impressed with myself if it works.  Till next time........

Three Acts

Ok, so its been a while. I have had a three act drama go on in my life but its finally winding down. Not over, but almost. :) Yeah for me (he he he). I am trying to get back on track with some stitching and getting used to trying to do my nails with one eye. No french manicures for now (thank goodness short, dark nails are in style). I am amazed at the things that are affected and thank God eveyday for the blessing he gave me (including a spare eye ball).
I am currently working on getting my stitchy stuff organized. I went through my stash last week-end and noticed I have some WIPS from 17 years ago just gathering dust. I am so ashamed. So, I am going to take the advice of some savy stitchers and start working on each piece a week at a time. This way, I hope to have some ornies done by the end of November, and some finishes for this year. Wish me luck, bright light, and a steady needle. Until tomorrow.

Its been a while

Its been a while since my last post, but I have a bunch of new things going on. First, I was given the OK by my surgeon to get my prosthesis. I am really excited. She told me I could have it by April 17Th. Really excited!!! I have a baby shower to go to for one of my oldest friends the next day and would love to debut it. I also can't wait to stop wearing this silly patch. I can't wear browns because its black and I refuse to clash.
I also started driving today. It was scary, liberating, and totally necessary. I feel like I'm closer to being me again. I drove myself to my first interview in 13 years. My current job is just not producing (financially) and I am afraid I will be left with nothing. I am the main source of income for our family, so my having a job is really important. Its a lot of pressure, but I can handle it. Wish me luck.

Update

Today has been difficult because I have had some pain. Not sure why its happening, but I am bit nervous. Always nervous when something that isn't there hurts. I am still not driving, but I am working on gaining my confidence. It doesn't help that I never have any time to myself. Its weird, but I feel like I have so many obligations. I never used to care, so I guess its a sign that I am starting to get back to normal.
On the brighter side of things, only two more weeks till Easter. Being a semi-good Catholic girl, I gave up soft drinks and sweets for Lent. Its really been difficult this year. Normally I am through with the cravings in a week, but this year I am really wanting. Can't wait till the Easter Bunny delivers this years goodies.

First One Eyed Finish

I DID IT!!!!!! I finished a project with only one eye and I have to say that I am very proud of myself. I actually worked faster than normal and more carefully (if that is even possible). The back is tidy and I am really excited to give it to my friend. She is having a baby boy in June. I am so excited and now back to my "Lovely You" project. I have decided to make it into a stitcher's pouch. I am really motivated now and have decided to make blocks for my son so he can start recognizing letters. I also want to make a frame for my Dad for father's day. Way to much wanting, but a girl can always dream.

TUSAL

an order of strength with a side of angry

Day 2, and I am still going strong. A few teeny set backs, but nothing detrimental. I feel really good, but admit that my eye is tired. I only did a few stitches and am glad that I chose Aida with a low count.

I am getting back into my life (as it used to be). I used to be obsessed with my toes. I never missed my weekly pedicure before. I always do them myself because the polish lasts longer and I feel better about using my own tools (no sharing toe cooties). I also used to give myself french manicures and basic girl things. I think I felt bad all the time because I stopped caring. I used to be happy if I woke up in the morning and not hurt. I always used to be in some sort of pain. My eye usually felt like I got punched and I felt like I had a cold. I felt like that ALL THE TIME! Wow, that felt angry. I didn't know that was in there. HMMMMMMMMM........

Earlier.....

During my doctor's appointment to get the pathology results from my eye a couple of weeks ago, my husband freaked out. He started ranting about whose fault it was and who was liable. I had several surgeries performed by several doctors during my 9 1/2 years of treatment. He was really pissed off. My doctor was uncomfortable and I was annoyed. I didn't realize how angry he was.

My mother called me later that day to ask about the results. She burst out crying after I told her that the pathology on my eye came back negative for cancer. She was so happy. Then I told her that the cause for all my woes was still unknown and would forever stay that way. All the doctor could do was give his opinion based on what treatments were used to keep the mass under control. She was really angry. She started spouting off about whose fault it was and why did this have to happen.

So why don't I feel like them? Is it possible that I am angry and just don't know it? I felt it when I typed it earlier. No one, not even my doctors have suggested that I may feel this way. They kept tell me that they were sure I was happy that its truly almost over. I always keep an even keel on my temperament and never let on about my pain so that other people don't worry. I also tell everyone how OK I am and how I am in a good place. I think I got so good at it that I convinced myself and now its starting to leak out (this is where the twilight zone music starts playing in the back ground).

In the immortal words of Scarlett O'Hara "I'll think about it tomorrow." Till then..... ?

I Did It!

I DID IT! I threaded my needle and was able to get my project started. I admit it took a few tries but the important thing is that although I got frustrated, I didn't give up. I also missed a few holes and had to do a few stitches twice (and three times), but I am happy with my progress. This is the first step to my recovery (mentally and physically). I have some of my confidence back and can only hope that it stays.

New Start

"How very little can be done under the spirit of fear."

- Florence Nightingale

I am beginning a new project this week-end. I have attached a picture of my supplies and chart. Its a freebie from Plum Street Samplers titled "Lovely You". It will be my first attempt after my surgery and I am really nervous. I am so scared that I will not be able to see the fabric, or chart. I picked it because it doesn't have any color changes. The fabric and chart are light and large so they should be easy to see.

Now, the age old question..... What will I be making? Not sure exactly, but I know I will make this into something. Maybe I will frame it so I can set it out to remind me that my world did not get cut in half. Its going to be an important finish for me. I just know if I can finish this, that I can get back into some other things that I used to enjoy. Maybe it will help rid me of the fear I have of doing things outside the house. If I can thread a needle, I know I will be able to walk down the street without walking into a mail box or car. Maybe I can even take stairs without touching the next one with the tip of my toe so I don't miss. Or maybe, just maybe I can walk in the grocery store without assaulting my fellow shoppers (although that was tough with two eyes).

Florence said it best. I need to remember that fear is internal and I am in control of me.

TUSAL

Here is my jar for the TUSAL. Its empty now, but I am beginning a new project tomorrow. Wish me luck.

I Need Bangs

I listened to spunky beatnik punk music today. I am obsessed with all things Miss Li and the Barbarellas lately. I just decided I need bangs. Bangs, short red nails, and massive eyeliner. I miss eyeliner. Its been one of the hardest things to go without since this whole eye debacle. Eyeliner and sunglasses that fit my ginormous noggin. Doctors tend to leave out little things when prescribing prednisone like, "this will cause your head to become so enlarged that it will cause your hair to never fall correctly again" or "your cute cat eye sunglasses with Rhine stones will squeeze your head until unsightly dents form." I think I will discuss this on my next appointment.

Good News!!!! My next appointment is in 6 months. I am being weaned off of my meds (I hope my head gets back to normal). After 9 1/2 years of this, I am finally going to be done.

But.....

I realized today that I still have a long way to go. This afternoon I attempted to go to the grocery store and buy diapers. First I knocked a jar of baby food off the shelf. I ran to the nearest employee to let them know about the broken glass. The youngster (who was at least a foot taller than me) smiled and told me it was OK. It wasn't for me. Next, I rammed into a man walking innocently in my direction on my left side. I was carrying a hand held basket and knocked the wind out of him. I felt really bad. I didn't even know I hit him until he grunted. I apologized and told him about missing an eye. He was really nice about the whole thing.

I got back into the car with my waiting husband and sleeping baby. I almost cried (actually, I did a little). I still want to cry.

What am I going to do about driving? How am I going to function? I feel really bad (again). Just when I thought everything was going to be OK, I got punched in the gut. I need to be distracted.

I have decided to begin a new stitching project. Its my distraction. Stitching is one of those hobbies that make my mind slow down. No random thoughts. I upload a book into my Ipod (currently trying to finish Pride and Prejudice so I can start Pride and Prejudice with Zombies), start counting stitches and don't think about my lack of eyeliner. I am stoked about the Zombies. Its silly, but I have to remember to read things that make me smile. It makes me appreciate great literature. I am also reading Murder Most Frothy by Cleo Coyle for the second time. Its a fun little read that makes me want coffee. She has a series that include instructions on how to make her goodies. I highly recommend them especially if you love coffee.

Well, that is all for today. I feel better. Cupcake dreams to all.

Do you still laugh at fart jokes?

OK, so I understand that not everyone is privileged enough to walk around and be a subject of interest. I've always been an attention whore, but its not always a good thing. I sport a generic black eye patch because I have not healed enough to get fitted for my prosthesis. BUT....... how can I explain.......

Why do some people feel that its OK to stare or call out pirate references....... Really, were they raised by raisins? Feelings people. They are called feelings. I am lucky. I rarely get offended or my feelings (there is that word again) hurt, but I am using this pulpit to let the world know, its NOT OK bring up things that would make YOU uncomfortable. Think about how you would feel if you had to walk around with a patch over your face that is highly noticeable. It blends in with my hair, but that's it. It doesn't match any of my outfits (or shoes). Its not cool!!!!

For example, One evening (after an attempt to walk in the park), I walked into a store. It was a fairly pleasant experience until I walked up to the register. (Keep in mind, I think this is funny) The cashier took one look at me a stated "Hey, you're sporting the pirate look!" He had a huge grin on his face. I could tell he meant no harm. I smiled and politely responded "Johnny Depp is my hero". I was quite proud of myself. My first instinct was to smack him on the back of his head, an action I normally reserve for my younger brothers. Experiences like that have made me appreciate the humor in life that sneaks up on you. I am convinced that God brings people like that onto my path to remind me to not take things so seriously.

So my advise to those who are missing the compassion gene is to leave it alone. Make your snide comments to your buddy (and not in a movie whisper). But please, grow up. You know who you are. You still laugh at fart jokes (OK, so do I). But, you know what I mean.

On a lighter note, I had a great evening. I had dinner with my mother in law and her friends. Her friend Sandra's daughter and son in law are two of the funniest people I have ever met. Kim has an 80's obsession with Michael Jackson music. Only the tunes folks! She taught her son to moon walk. Its the funniest thing I have ever seen. All and all, it was a good day. My son was entertaining and still sporting his PJ's from PJ day at day care. So cute. They also make it easier for him to grab his feet and stick them in his mouth. A wondrous new trick that he is very proud of. He always looks to make sure someone notices. That smile is the sun for me.

Good night and cupcake dreams.

Things to Do

I am notorious for making lists of things to do that are totally unrealistic. For example, I decided that I would get all of my household chores done this evening. Never in my mind did I consider the fact that I have a 5 1/2 month old son; consequently, a never ending pile of laundry, dishes, dogs, and toes in desperate need of painting. I chose to bathe my son instead and call it a night.

I also had posting my pictures of works in progress on the list. I should confess that with the exception of 4, all of my works are "in progress".

I have a gift for not having a clue as what to do with my stitching once I am done. For example, I have this lovely Hello Kitty that I stitched from Cross Stitch Card Shop magazine. She is on a small square of fabric that I can't really match to anything. Maybe I will make a key chain. Maybe I will add finding a purpose for it to my list of things to do.

The only true project I completed is this biscornu. It was my first attempt. I am quite proud of it because its the first project I actually completed. The others are a hodgepodge of items I think I will make into ornaments for my family. I have a few other items I need to post, but in the grand tradition of procrastination, I am going to call it a night. Cupcake dreams.

Day 2

It snowed yesterday in San Antonio, Texas. The last time I remember seeing snow fall was almost 25 years ago. I have fond memories of it. I remember playing in my back yard with my little brother. We made sleds out of anything we could find. The best part was seeing our mother walk through the day care door to pick us up. I remember being happy we got to go home. I have a son of my own now. I truly believe that God gave him to me to help me cope with my medical issues. My husband and I just assumed we couldn't have children due to all of the medications I have been prescribed throughout the years. I was granted a miracle.
When I felt the symptoms, I assumed one of my medications needed some adjusting. Thankfully, I took a home pregnancy test (I had an old one in the bathroom). It was positive. I rushed to the nearest drug store and bought two more. I was already scheduled for surgery number 12, so I cried out of fear (I was on some medications I was afraid would hurt my baby). I waited till my husband got home and then let our families know. That was the happiest day of my life. 8 and half months later, I gave birth to a beautiful and healthy baby boy.
The next 5 months truly tested me. I had the last 2 of my 13 surgeries (not including the birth of my son). They were the most difficult because they were mentally draining. Being told about having to remove my eye was a blow, but thanks to my son, I didn't dwell too much. I kept focusing on how he needed me. He was only 4 and 5 months old (respectively). If not for him, I know I would have been in a terrible depression. After each surgery I made sure to concentrate on healing and not the pain so I could take care of him.
My miracle is my son. Thank you God for giving me my son.

Introduction

Hello World,

This is my first blog and my first post. I am excited and scared about beginning this process. I recently lost my eye after 9 years of surgeries and doctors that were unable to diagnose the problem. The blogging process is one of my coping tools, so naturally I am a bit nervous.

After suffering from grieving for my loss (my eye), I realized that I didn't loose something, I simply gained a new perspective. I also gained a chance at new experiences from old activities. Not many people in the world can say they got to try things twice with two different views.

I have my life, my family, and now I have a podium. I will be periodically adding to this with the hopes of making new friends, and letting others know who have suffered from similar experiences, that its OK to not understand why something happens to you. Just know you can deal with it. Life always finds a way.

Sincerely,
Joy