Monday, March 8, 2010

an order of strength with a side of angry

Day 2, and I am still going strong. A few teeny set backs, but nothing detrimental. I feel really good, but admit that my eye is tired. I only did a few stitches and am glad that I chose Aida with a low count.

I am getting back into my life (as it used to be). I used to be obsessed with my toes. I never missed my weekly pedicure before. I always do them myself because the polish lasts longer and I feel better about using my own tools (no sharing toe cooties). I also used to give myself french manicures and basic girl things. I think I felt bad all the time because I stopped caring. I used to be happy if I woke up in the morning and not hurt. I always used to be in some sort of pain. My eye usually felt like I got punched and I felt like I had a cold. I felt like that ALL THE TIME! Wow, that felt angry. I didn't know that was in there. HMMMMMMMMM........


During my doctor's appointment to get the pathology results from my eye a couple of weeks ago, my husband freaked out. He started ranting about whose fault it was and who was liable. I had several surgeries performed by several doctors during my 9 1/2 years of treatment. He was really pissed off. My doctor was uncomfortable and I was annoyed. I didn't realize how angry he was.

My mother called me later that day to ask about the results. She burst out crying after I told her that the pathology on my eye came back negative for cancer. She was so happy. Then I told her that the cause for all my woes was still unknown and would forever stay that way. All the doctor could do was give his opinion based on what treatments were used to keep the mass under control. She was really angry. She started spouting off about whose fault it was and why did this have to happen.

So why don't I feel like them? Is it possible that I am angry and just don't know it? I felt it when I typed it earlier. No one, not even my doctors have suggested that I may feel this way. They kept tell me that they were sure I was happy that its truly almost over. I always keep an even keel on my temperament and never let on about my pain so that other people don't worry. I also tell everyone how OK I am and how I am in a good place. I think I got so good at it that I convinced myself and now its starting to leak out (this is where the twilight zone music starts playing in the back ground).

In the immortal words of Scarlett O'Hara "I'll think about it tomorrow." Till then..... ?

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