Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Its been a while

Its been a while since my last post, but I have a bunch of new things going on. First, I was given the OK by my surgeon to get my prosthesis. I am really excited. She told me I could have it by April 17Th. Really excited!!! I have a baby shower to go to for one of my oldest friends the next day and would love to debut it. I also can't wait to stop wearing this silly patch. I can't wear browns because its black and I refuse to clash.
I also started driving today. It was scary, liberating, and totally necessary. I feel like I'm closer to being me again. I drove myself to my first interview in 13 years. My current job is just not producing (financially) and I am afraid I will be left with nothing. I am the main source of income for our family, so my having a job is really important. Its a lot of pressure, but I can handle it. Wish me luck.

Wednesday, March 17, 2010


Today has been difficult because I have had some pain. Not sure why its happening, but I am bit nervous. Always nervous when something that isn't there hurts. I am still not driving, but I am working on gaining my confidence. It doesn't help that I never have any time to myself. Its weird, but I feel like I have so many obligations. I never used to care, so I guess its a sign that I am starting to get back to normal.
On the brighter side of things, only two more weeks till Easter. Being a semi-good Catholic girl, I gave up soft drinks and sweets for Lent. Its really been difficult this year. Normally I am through with the cravings in a week, but this year I am really wanting. Can't wait till the Easter Bunny delivers this years goodies.

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

First One Eyed Finish

I DID IT!!!!!! I finished a project with only one eye and I have to say that I am very proud of myself. I actually worked faster than normal and more carefully (if that is even possible). The back is tidy and I am really excited to give it to my friend. She is having a baby boy in June. I am so excited and now back to my "Lovely You" project. I have decided to make it into a stitcher's pouch. I am really motivated now and have decided to make blocks for my son so he can start recognizing letters. I also want to make a frame for my Dad for father's day. Way to much wanting, but a girl can always dream.

Monday, March 15, 2010


Monday, March 8, 2010

an order of strength with a side of angry

Day 2, and I am still going strong. A few teeny set backs, but nothing detrimental. I feel really good, but admit that my eye is tired. I only did a few stitches and am glad that I chose Aida with a low count.

I am getting back into my life (as it used to be). I used to be obsessed with my toes. I never missed my weekly pedicure before. I always do them myself because the polish lasts longer and I feel better about using my own tools (no sharing toe cooties). I also used to give myself french manicures and basic girl things. I think I felt bad all the time because I stopped caring. I used to be happy if I woke up in the morning and not hurt. I always used to be in some sort of pain. My eye usually felt like I got punched and I felt like I had a cold. I felt like that ALL THE TIME! Wow, that felt angry. I didn't know that was in there. HMMMMMMMMM........


During my doctor's appointment to get the pathology results from my eye a couple of weeks ago, my husband freaked out. He started ranting about whose fault it was and who was liable. I had several surgeries performed by several doctors during my 9 1/2 years of treatment. He was really pissed off. My doctor was uncomfortable and I was annoyed. I didn't realize how angry he was.

My mother called me later that day to ask about the results. She burst out crying after I told her that the pathology on my eye came back negative for cancer. She was so happy. Then I told her that the cause for all my woes was still unknown and would forever stay that way. All the doctor could do was give his opinion based on what treatments were used to keep the mass under control. She was really angry. She started spouting off about whose fault it was and why did this have to happen.

So why don't I feel like them? Is it possible that I am angry and just don't know it? I felt it when I typed it earlier. No one, not even my doctors have suggested that I may feel this way. They kept tell me that they were sure I was happy that its truly almost over. I always keep an even keel on my temperament and never let on about my pain so that other people don't worry. I also tell everyone how OK I am and how I am in a good place. I think I got so good at it that I convinced myself and now its starting to leak out (this is where the twilight zone music starts playing in the back ground).

In the immortal words of Scarlett O'Hara "I'll think about it tomorrow." Till then..... ?

Sunday, March 7, 2010

I Did It!

I DID IT! I threaded my needle and was able to get my project started. I admit it took a few tries but the important thing is that although I got frustrated, I didn't give up. I also missed a few holes and had to do a few stitches twice (and three times), but I am happy with my progress. This is the first step to my recovery (mentally and physically). I have some of my confidence back and can only hope that it stays.

Thursday, March 4, 2010

New Start

"How very little can be done under the spirit of fear."
- Florence Nightingale

I am beginning a new project this week-end. I have attached a picture of my supplies and chart. Its a freebie from Plum Street Samplers titled "Lovely You". It will be my first attempt after my surgery and I am really nervous. I am so scared that I will not be able to see the fabric, or chart. I picked it because it doesn't have any color changes. The fabric and chart are light and large so they should be easy to see.
Now, the age old question..... What will I be making? Not sure exactly, but I know I will make this into something. Maybe I will frame it so I can set it out to remind me that my world did not get cut in half. Its going to be an important finish for me. I just know if I can finish this, that I can get back into some other things that I used to enjoy. Maybe it will help rid me of the fear I have of doing things outside the house. If I can thread a needle, I know I will be able to walk down the street without walking into a mail box or car. Maybe I can even take stairs without touching the next one with the tip of my toe so I don't miss. Or maybe, just maybe I can walk in the grocery store without assaulting my fellow shoppers (although that was tough with two eyes).
Florence said it best. I need to remember that fear is internal and I am in control of me.

Wednesday, March 3, 2010


Here is my jar for the TUSAL. Its empty now, but I am beginning a new project tomorrow. Wish me luck.